For Her
by RISVULove
Summary: Calex. TW:Rape. Multi-chapter. Alex is hiding, hiding into herself away from everyone, pushing people away, Casey especially. She can't tell anyone anything. They'll all change around her. What happens when she has to tell? R&R.
1. Prologue

I walk home that fast the colours of the city are blurring around me, I ache all over and all I can think is how could I let this happen!?

I'm stronger than this, I should've fought harder, stopped him.

I check my cell, just after 6, Casey will be home soon.

How will I tell her? How can I? She'll make me report it, then I'll have to tell everybody I work with, all my friends will all hear every little detail of what he did to me. How he touched me, the words he whispered in my ear as he forced himself into me.

I feel the bile rise in my throat as I get to the apartment. I fumble with my keys and burst in the door, dying to get into the shower, wash it all away, pretend it never happened and just move on.

Yes, I'll just move on, not like it'll cause any problems right?

When it comes to sex, we've been together three years, I know Casey's touch, I won't shy away from her.

I'm strong, I can manage.

I run the chilly water until it turns nearly scalding and that's when I stand in under the jets, the water undoing all the kinks in my body

I look down, a few defensive bruises, they'll fade in around a week, I'll just lie and tell Casey it's my time of the month if she wants sex, screw it. She won't question me.

I scrub myself over, using my berry scented body lotion, willing away his touch, praying it'll disappear from me.

It won't though, it's still there, I feel him inside me, I feel his rough thrusts, his intrusive movements, the pain.

My cries.

Before I know it I'm sobbing into myself. Oh God I can't let them find out. I can't let them know that their ADA and Ice Queen Alexandra Cabot got raped.

What would they think?

They'd pity me, 'oh poor Alex, it must be so hard for you'

No.

I won't have that.

I turn of the shower, my sobs slowing with my newfound confidence appearing and I step out of the shower, pulling on my fresh pajamas. The silk ones Casey got me for Valentines Day last year. Beautiful purple silk.

"Al, I'm home! And I have dinner!"

Speak of the devil.

"I'll be right out" I shout back as best I can while I throw my hair up into a messy ponytail

I walk out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and she stands facing me, a look of pure love on her face

"Wow, Alex, you look stunning"

I smile weakly but she obviously doesn't see it that way "Thanks"

She stops dishing out the Chicken Alfredo and looks over to me

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just a long day I guess.. Ya know, Case, could you leave mine in the microwave? I'll reheat it later, I'm not too hungry right now"

She's worried now "Why? Alex, what's going on?"

"Nothing, I just have stomach pains"

She looks me over and nods, accepting my story "You look kinda pale, I'll get you some aspirin and water, you want chocolate?"

I smile slightly at her offer, she's gotten used to my monthly demands "Please" I say keeping up the charade and she nods

"Go lie down, I'll bring them up to you"

"Thanks Case"

I walk down the hall and crawl into bed and as I do, I want to cry. I want to cry and scream and break stuff, a lot of stuff. That's not the solution though. I just need to take it all in, despite the knots in my stomach and the utter disgust at myself.

She knocks on the door after a couple of minutes

"I come bearing aspirin and chocolate"

I sit up a little and she sits in beside me handing me the capsules and water, which I swallow, prying they'll take away some feeling

She smiles and smoothed the hair off my face "They're pretty bad this month aren't they?"

I just nod and she kisses my cheek "I'll let you sleep, I'll bring you up more aspirin in a couple of hours, okay?"

"Okay" I say leaving the half eaten bar on the bedside locker "Hey Case?"

She looks back a smile on her face "I love you"

"I love you too Al"

xx

AN: Okay, that was short, I kinda have a half plan for this though, should I continue of just stop it all together? I don't know, let me know you're opinion? Thank you :)


	2. Chapter 1: Breakdown

AN: Thanks for the feedback, just to let you know this isn't the same as my other Alex/Casey rape story, it may be a little similar but it'll focus more on particular topics.

Also, this is the 'first chapter' the last part was just background information to fill the gaps.

So here we go! Hope you all enjoy it (as much as you can) and let me know if you have comments/constructive criticism.

Chapter 1: Breakdown

We lay together in bed that Friday evening and as she kisses down my neck I pull away slightly not ready for the physical contact as well as finally working up the nerve to bring this up with her

"Can I talk to you?" I ask and she nods

"Sure Al, everything alright?"

"I don't know.. Casey, we've been together for three years now and, you've never mentioned having.. children. I know it could be a little early but-"

"-Um, Al, I don't know, maybe I should've said this sooner but, I don't particularly want children"

I lay back against the pillows, my mouth drying up. It's like my heart just exploded in my chest.

"Oh" I clear my throat "...okay"

"Al?"

I look up to her

"That doesn't change anything does it?" She asks and I just blink, I want to shake my head, say no, but in reality everything's changing, whether she likes it or not.

"Yeah" I whisper "it does"

She takes my hand "Alex, surely this isn't something we need to discuss right now?"

"Casey we can't put this off, I can't lie here knowing you don't want children with me.. What's the problem?"

"There isn't a problem Alex and its not that I don't want children with you, it's I don't want children at all, I never have"

"Why? Casey, what's so bad about it?"

"I don't know. It's how I feel, what makes you want children so much?"

"I want to have children with the woman I love, I want a family Casey"

"I'm sorry, I don't"

"Is that definite? Could anything change your mind or are you just..." I can't finish the sentence, I don't want too, because I know, I know what'll have to happen if she says no

"Alex, I won't lie, it'd have to be pretty big to change my mind on this. I just don't see the appeal"

I nod slowly and stand out of bed grabbing my pillows

"Hey, where're you going?" She asks and I turn back

"The couch.. I need to be alone"

"Alex, c'mon, don't be like that"

"Be like what? Casey, I just need to think"

"About what?"

"Wether or not I can be with you knowing there's no chance of you accepting a family"

"What? Al-"

"Goodnight Casey" I walk out the door and leave her in bed

I walk down to the living room and sigh as I lay into the couch, she doesn't want kids. I'm pregnant. From a rape I haven't even told her about yet!

I cannot believe she doesn't want a family? What will I do now? I'll have to tell her. But what'll she say? She wouldn't ask me to have an abortion.. No, Casey's not like that. What if we broke up? That'd be crushing.. I don't want to tie her down either

Wow, talk about a loose-loose situation.

xx

"Casey, I'm not feeling too well, will you let Liz know I'm talking a day?" I ask as she drinks her coffee the next morning and she nods

We sit in a horribly awkward silence and after a minute she clears her throat

"So, are we gonna talk about last night?" She asks as I cook dinner that evening and I throw the spaghetti into a pan, my reply coming smoothly

"I don't think we need to talk"

"Alex, we do. What made you just bring it up? You've never mentioned it before?"

I stay facing the cooker, not daring to face her "Is it so bad I want to know where our relationship is going?"

"No-"

"So stop grilling me, I just wanted to know"

"Alex there's a reason, I know you wouldn't bring this up out of nowhere. What? You want to try and get pregnant?"

I don't need to try "Casey, you don't want that"

"I never thought I did Alex. I always thought I'd be happy just us, wouldn't you be?"

"No Casey, I don't think I would be"

She sighs "So what? What's... I mean-"

"I think we both know what needs to happen Casey"

"Al-"

"Will your opinion change? Ever? Would you ever consider having kids? Honestly"

"I don't think so, I don't know"

"I'm sorry, that's not good enough for me"

"So what? You're going to give up? Just like that, nearly 4 years together and you're just going to throw it away?"

"Casey, we want different things, this is something we should've discussed a long time ago"

"And what?! What now?! Are we actually... just giving up?" She sounds so hurt, desperate and I sigh

"I want children"

She has tears rolling down her cheeks as she fumbled for my hand

"Al, c'mon-"

"Casey we can't do anything about it! I want children, you don't, I cant fix this"

I dish up the spaghetti, for one, and hand her the plate "I need to pack some stuff, you eat"

"Where are you going to stay?" She stops me leaving the kitchen

"I called Mom this morning, she's got my old apartment in her name, I can stay there"

"Alex you can't expect me to just watch you go!-"

"And you can't expect me to stay"

She nods, in what I assume is defeat

"I love you"

Her last attempt to make me stay, her attempt that works fairly well too, just not well enough. She doesn't want a child and I'd never have an abortion, even from rape. I first handily seen how Liv turned out, she's amazing. I couldn't do that to an innocent life, it doesn't know it's conception.

I take a deep breath "I-I love you too but Case, I can't be with someone who doesn't want what I want"

"I understand"

She's given up, the fire in her eyes has dulled to a dim ember and she goes to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of wine

"You're having dinner before you leave" she says quietly and I nod

"Okay, just let me pack some things"


	3. Chapter 2: Abbie

Chapter 2: Abbie

"Did you and Novak end it?" Abbie half screams down the phone and I wince

"Um, Abs, calm down-"

"No, this is not time to be calm. It isn't. You two were so cute together! What the hell Al! Serena just told me Casey called her, she's in pieces, Serena's going to Casey so I'm coming to you-"

"Abbie, no. I don't need you-"

"Too bad, I'm outside let me in"

I sigh and hang up throwing my phone across the cushions

"Why did you even bother calling? If you were right outside?" I ask opening the door and she smiles

"You wouldn't open it if I knocked" she says walking in and I sigh, she's right

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Too bad"

I sit in beside her "So, why'd you dump Case"

"I didn't dump her!"

"Yes, you did. You walked out and left her just because she didn't want children. Alex, since when did you become so kid focused? Like, I know you wouldn't throw your relationship away over nothing, what's going on?"

"Abbie, please-"

"I'm you're best friend, talk to me. Let me help"

"Abbie I can't! You'll make me tell people and I don't want too"

"Why would I do that? Just trust me, I won't make you tell anyone"

"You will"

She half growls "What? What is so bad that you think I'm going to spread around?-"

"I'm pregnant"

There's a long silence, a never ending, horrible pause and she just looks me over

"I'm sorry, I could've swore you said you were pregnant"

"I did. I am"

"Alex, what the hell!"

"What?" I ask, knowing full well 'what'

"Well Casey didn't knock you up, so who did?"

"I don't know!"

"What you didn't bother to ask his name before he got you pregnant-"

Before I know what I'm doing I have the slap thrown, getting her straight across the face "Bitch" I mutter and she stands off the couch

"Well what did you want me to say?! You cheated on Casey! Casey Novak, the woman who loves you with everything she has-"

"No, I didn't!"

"So what it was an immaculate conception? We have Jesus Christ the second in there" she gestures to my stomach

"Abbie, stop it. Please. That's not what happened!"

"Well what then? Start explaining because I can't think of anything-"

"I was raped"

"What?"

"I was raped Abbie" the tears are pooling in my eyes and I immediately see all her anger drop

"Oh, fuck, Al, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that-"

"No. It's okay, I didn't say anything, you were only assuming"

"Alex, when?"

"6 weeks ago"

"You didn't report it? Shit Al, you didn't tell Casey. Oh Sweetie.."

"I-I couldn't. I was trying the whole 'lets have kids' thing to see how she'd react and she basically said never would she have babies. What was I supposed to do? As much a chance I'd have of maybe convincing her to raise a child that's biologically hers, she would never raise my rapists child, I couldn't expect that of her. So I left"

"Alex, you don't know what Casey would do! She'd want to help!"

"Yeah, help! 'Helping' and raising a child are two completely different things"

"Alex! You know how much Casey loves you, you could work this out, you both could"

"No. She made it clear she doesn't want kids and I'm not about to tie her down like that"

"Casey doesn't see you like that! My God Alex! How foolish are you! You are God in Casey's eyes. She loves you. How can you just walk away?"

"It's breaking my heart Abs, but I have to do it, I can't do this to her"

"And what about you? What about how you feel?"

"I feel... fine. I can handle this"

"And what? What about work?"

"I quit"

"YOU QUIT YOUR JOB!"

"Abbie!"

She shakes her head "Where the hell are you pulling all this from, you do realize Casey will find out eventually, no matter how good you are at hiding, she'll find out you're pregnant, so you can quit and you can leave her but she'll find out Alex"

"Sure she'll find out but I will not keep her with me. If she wanted children I'd have had no problem telling her, well, not no problem but I wouldn't have had to leave. She doesn't want kids Abbie, she made that very clear. I don't want to be the one thing keeping her there. I'd rather her upset now for a little while than be in a forced family unit with me and a child I know she didn't want. Can't you see my side at all?"

"I know for a fact if you told Casey what happened she'd support you in whatever you choose. She loves you Alexandra, you cannot let her go"

"How will I tell her this? How can she look at me the same?"

"Alex we deal with this everyday, you need to take some of your own advice"

I nod, knowing she's right "I think I should chat with Liv before I talk to Casey, she can help me"

"I'm surprised you didn't report it to Liv. Al, what was going on with you that day, why didn't you call one of us? Call Cragen, Liv, anyone. You could've had a kit done and gotten the morning after pill"

I nod "I know.. I know but Abbie, you don't understand. I felt so...ashamed. I didn't want any of you to see me like that, Casey especially"

"We'd want to help"

Sure, they'd want to help but that wouldn't stop the look of pity in their eyes.

Casey asking if it was 'okay' to kiss me, to touch me?

What sort of life is that?

"If I tell Liv, Liv'll tell Casey-" my breathing turns to sharp inhales and my heart thumps in my chest "Abbie I don't want Casey to know, I.."

"Breathe Alex, breathe its okay. It's alright. Just relax, that's it deep breath, in and out" she runs her hand over my back soothingly and my heart slows back to its normal rhythm

"Alex, what's so bad about telling Casey?"

"I-I'm scared"

"It's only Casey hon'. Casey loves you"

"W-What if she doesn't want the baby when I tell her? W-What if she says something that.."

"That what?"

"Makes me fall out of love with her"

"Alex, Casey will not expect you to terminate this pregnancy. She's very anti-abortion"

"But she doesn't want children"

"Alex, under this circumstance I think she'll be fine. Believe me"

"I don't want he to know. Please, not yet, okay? I'll talk to Liv, just don't tell Casey, please"

"It's not my place, I'm telling 'Rena though. I won't let her tell Case either"

"Thank you"


	4. Chapter 3: Deep Wanting

Chapter 3: Deep Wanting

I run my hand over my flat stomach, the thoughts flying through my mind. Should I tell Casey?

I know, I know logically I probably should've told her before I left but, what if she said no there and then? What if I had to choose, her or the baby?

I couldn't do that to her because I know I'd pick the baby. There is no way I'd leave this child. They need me, regardless of conception this baby is mine and I need to support it.

I sigh and go to the kitchen, fixing myself some noodles and just as I have them dished out there's a knock on the door

I walk out and check the peep hole, Casey.

Of course.

I open the door "Case"

She looks me over sadly "Al, can I come in?"

I open the door wider letting her pass me and as I turn and close over the door I blink away the tears in my eyes

I want her to know, I'd love to tell her and I would if I knew how she'd react. What If she said she wouldn't want anything to do with me?

"So, what are you doing here Casey?" I ask getting my voice back as I turn and face her

"Al... why do you think I'm here? I love you. You're my lover and best friend, I can't just walk away from you, or more, let you walk away from me. I know we want different things but surely we can come to some sort of compromise?"

"Casey how can we compromise this? I want children and you don't, it's not like we can meet in the middle"

"Surely we can come up with something? At least we can talk. Alex, I'm not living without you, just going through motions. Please, come home"

I sigh "This is home to me Casey, here"

"Al, why? Can't we just talk?"

"Okay talk" we sit on the couch together "please, tell me how we can have and not have children" I say with a bite in my tone

She takes my hand "How many children do you want?"

I fidget "I don't know, Casey.. I'd be happy with one, if I had you"

"I can... try, I mean.. I know it'd take some time to get used to it but as long as I had you, I could do it"

"Do you mean that?"

"Alex, I love you. I know I may not have considered children but Alex, I could at least try"

"Casey, what happens if we do try? If we had a child and you regret it? What happens if we have a child together and you can't love them? Then what? You'll either force yourself to stay or we'll break up again only then there'll be a child involved. Which one of them sounds better to you?"

She sighs "I'd never have to force myself to stay with you"

"And loving a child? Would that come naturally to you? Especially considering the fact you haven't even thought of it"

"Alex, we don't have to start trying right away, I could think about it, ya know? I could think about it and then we could organize it?"

I internally scream but externally remain calm "Casey.. I don't know"

"Alex, this is the best I can do, why can't you agree? We can sort this out. We can.. Please, come home"

Then what? I'll have to tell her everything. She'll freak out! She just said she needs time to consider it, she has just under 8 months... Something tells me that won't be good enough.

"I'm sorry Case, I need some time away from you"

"So what? Are we broken up?"

"More, trial separation"

"But Alex-"

"Casey, can you please just accept this. Please"

She nods "Okay, but I need you to do something"

I nod and she takes my hand "Kiss me and tell me you love me"

I move in closer to her, taking her cheeks into my hands "I love you Case, more than anything. I just need time, but I do love you...that's what's making this so horrible" I say the last part below my breath but I still think by the look on her face, she heard me

"I'll go" she says getting to her feet "I love you too Al"

I smile sadly "I'll see you around"

"Yeah, in work, tomorrow? I have that meeting with Branch at 9, but I'll see you after that-"

"Um, no.. you won't"

"What? Why?"

"Casey, I quit"

"You quit?! Alex! Why? What the hell's going on with you?!"

"I have enough of my Grandfathers inheritance to life comfortably without working, so I am"

"Alex, you never discussed this with me, before all this happened, it's only a new thing. What's going on?"

"I just don't want to work! Casey, I need to get into the shower, can you excuse me?"

She nods "Well... I'll see you around then"

"Yeah, see ya Casey"


	5. Chapter 4: Telling Olivia

Chapter 4: Telling Olivia

"So, Abbie said you needed to talk to me" Olivia says as I walk into the interrogation room "This about Case? I heard you broke up"

I nod and sit into the chair, Liv sitting across from me

"Oh, I'm sorry we had to talk here by the way, I'm not sure how long I have we're catching"

"Thats okay, I-I need you to promise what I tell you doesn't leave this room, I need you to promise..you're here as a friend, not a detective, okay?"

She nods and looks me over "Why? Alex, you're scaring me, what's going on"

"I'm pregnant"

She sits still, her jaw dropped slightly

"Y-You.. I mean.. Pregnant? Alex.. how"

I take a deep breath, working up my nerve and trying to get my voice together

"I was raped Olivia"

"Oh.. Oh God honey, I'm so sorry" she takes my hand into hers, gently running her thumb over my knuckles "when?"

"6 weeks ago, yesterday"

She nods "Right, okay. Alex, why didn't you call me? God, I could've helped you"

"I didn't want you to see me like that Liv, I-I felt horrible. I didn't want to think about it, talk about it, anything. I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen"

"Oh Al, that was never going to work, even if you didn't get pregnant, the mental and physical trauma would've been.. is, horrendous. God Al, I'm so sorry"

"Hey, you didn't do it"

"Still, somebody did"

I nod and we sit in silence. Why does it feel like every conversation I have results in a heavy silence?

"That's why you left Casey" it dawns on her.

"She doesn't want kids Liv, apparently never has, I wasn't going to tie her down like that"

"It wouldn't be tying her down Al, Casey loves you"

"She came over last night and she said she'd consider having a kid as long as she had me. Liv, she's so beat up about this, I feel horrible for doing this to her"

"Alex, you aren't doing anything, neither is Casey. This isn't your fault. But you need to tell her, wait where does she think you are right now? You pull a sickie?"

I swallow harshly "I.. um.. Quit"

"I understand" she nods "it must've been hard considering going back to work, especially because of the unit we're in. I'd be lying if I didn't say I've considered leaving once or twice after everything"

"This is why I wanted to talk to you, you understand my position!"

"Alex, I understand something else too.. Have you thought out keeping this child-"

"I'm not getting an abortion"

"I didn't say that. Honey, growing up with my Mom was hell, there were times I'd dream of bein' taken away, brought to a family who loved me. Now I'm not saying you'll be like that, you could have all the love in the world for this child and if you do then that's wonderful but Alex you need to think could you handle the questions as they grow up? The 'who's my Daddy' questions, could you handle explaining the rape, how they were conceived? If not, you always have adoption Alex"

I sigh "I didn't think of it like that"

"Just consider it. Alex, rape is more than a one time thing. You can repress this all you want but you're going to need help, support from people who love you. What about Casey?"

"What about her?"

"Are you going to tell her?"

I roll the bottom of my shirt between my thumbs, more fidgeting

"She's going to notice I'm pregnant. Liv I just don't know, I'm scared. I love Casey, I don't want this to change how she looks at me"

"Sweetie, Casey is not that shallow-"

"-No she isn't" the door clicks shut and I close my eyes, hearing her voice "Olivia, Rollins needs you, them 911 calls are back, they have something, and here" she hands Olivia a manilla folder "That's the Jefferson case. Now, I need to talk to Alex"

I close my eyes again and bury my head into my hands. Olivia squeezes my shoulder before she walks out and after a minute of Casey pacing she clears her throat

"It sorta makes more sense now"

I don't reply, still sit with my head in my hands and she continues after a minute

"Alex, I love you. What made you feel like you couldn't tell me this?"

"How long were you listening for?"

"Long enough."

She sits down, thank God her pacing was getting ridiculously irritating

"Alex, I get it okay? I get you not wanting our friends to know. But not wanting me to know? I love you! Jesus Alex, I could be there for you! I'd help. I don't give a crap about not 'wanting' kids or not, this, this is a whole different side of things. This changes things for me. I want what you want."

"No! That's not what I want! You shouldn't be forced into a family!-"

"Who said forced? I'm not forced by anyone, into anything. I choose what I want. Alex, I love you, more than anything. If you want to keep this baby, raise them and if I'm lucky enough for you to let me be by your side I would be the happiest woman on the earth but this isn't good for you. Alex I want you home, with me. Where you are now that's not home-"

"Okay"

"What?!"

"Okay, I'll come home"

She bites her lip "I'm so happy you said that"

"We need to talk about this though. Casey, I'm so confused, I-I don't know what to do? What should I do?"

She leans over the table and kisses my cheek "We can talk, we can talk when you need too, as much as you need too. But right now I have no clue what you should do, you'll need to clue me in on what's going on"

I nod and look around the room, suddenly feeling vulnerable "Can we talk later, at home? I don't want to get into everything here"

She takes out her cell and types a very quick message, she slips her cell into her jacket pocket and offers me her hand

"I'm taking the rest of today, lets go move you back home"

I smile slightly, her delight to have me back spilling from her

She walks up beside me and kisses my cheek "I've missed you"

"I missed you too Case"


	6. Chapter 5: Moving Home

Chapter 5: Moving Home

We sit on the couch, all my boxes unpacked and everything back where it should be, where it belongs. Where it's always belonged.

There's tension between us, at least when we were unpacking we were doing something to take the focus from the crippling silence, now, not so much

I shift in my seat and she looks over to me

"So, about that talk?"

I nod "What do ya wanna know?"

"When, I mean, what day? Where?"

"Wednesday, six weeks ago. I was actually coming home, it was around 4 when I got back from Liz's chambers, Abbie had you for that other meeting, the homicide/rape case? Anyway, I said I'd go home early, start dinner, get the laundry done.. all that. I was a couple blocks from home and I just got past the mini-mart when I felt his hands on me, pulling me into the ally..."

I sigh away my tears and she moves over and sits in closer to me

"You can stop if you want?" She offers and I shake my head

"I need to tell you"

She just nods, waiting for me to continue which I do after a few minutes of silence

"He pinned me to the wall by my blazer, held me pretty tight too. He, um, took it off me and started feeling my through my shirt.. Then he pulled my skirt up and.. well I'd say you can guess the rest"

She nods "Did he do anything else? He raped you and left, he didn't say anything?"

I shake my head and she offers her hand, which I take "Alex, I love you. I know this must be so hard for you but I'm here okay? We can be okay, me you and our little one"

I meet her eyes "You mean that?"

"What? That we can be okay? Of course we can-"

"No, our little one? Our.."

"Of course" is her simple reply and I nod, I can tell she wants to say something, but I know she doesn't want to push it

"What?" I ask after a minute of her going through her thoughts and she shakes her head

"Nothing"

"Casey, I'm talking to you about this, I expect you to talk back"

"Alex, I don't want you to take this the wrong way okay? I mean I.. just"

"What is it Case, it's okay?"

"Have you completely thought this through? Are you sure you want to have this baby"

I look over to her and open my mouth to answer but can't. How can I tell her I honestly don't know what I want apart from I definitely don't want an abortion"

"I.."

She looks me over "Alex, honestly, talk to me. Obviously you won't have an abortion but Olivia's right, you could always consider adoption"

I nod "I'm not sure Casey.. I mean, I just, it's a baby. An innocent baby, how could I abandon it?"

"Sweetie, it's hardly abandoning it, it'd be going to a family where it'd be loved just as much as they would be here. I just want you to be comfortable, could you raise this child knowing where they came from?"

I sigh "I don't know"

"You don't need to decide now anyway, we can talk later anyway"

I nod "I guess.."

"Al, I didn't want to upset you by bringing that up-"

"No, hey, you didn't I'm just thinking, that's all"

"When you wanna talk I'm here, okay?"

I nod and stand off the couch

"Where're ya going?" She asks and I shrug

"I'm tired, I think I'll go lie down"

"You want me to join you?"

"I'd love you too"

xx

"You'll need a scan" she says as we eat our eggs the next morning and I nod

"I made an appointment for Tuesday two weeks"

She sits in beside me "What time? I'll get time off"

"Its okay if you can't get it off, it's noon, you could be in court-"

"I'll be there, it's okay. I want to be there"

"Thanks Case" I smile slightly and she kisses me

"Okay, well I better go, I'll see you this evening, I shouldn't be too late. Hey Al, if you need anything call, okay? Oh and Abbie said if you need some company she's home today"

I smile "Thanks Case"

"No problem, see ya later"

xx

"So, you don't know what you want" Abbie says handing me my decaf coffee and I take a long gulp, giving me time to plan my answer

"No, I guess I don't"

"I thought you wanted the baby?"

"I don't know! I talked to Liv and she got me thinking then Casey got me thinking.. Abbie is it bad I'm doubting this?"

"Sweetie, talk me through this, what's going on in your head?"

"I want children and I'll never abort this child, that I'm sure of but Abbie, adoption is looking like my best option right now. I stayed awake last night, questions flying through my mind, could I honestly be able to raise his child?"

Abbie sighs "Al, you don't know if you can raise his baby, but, it isn't his, it's yours and Casey's. That child wouldn't have to know, if they ask say IVF, you'll never have to tell them if you don't want too. Just think of him as a donor, he never has to be anything else. That baby is not his, it's yours"

I nod and curl into myself, grabbing the blanket from the back of the couch and Abbie takes out her cell "You want some food? My treat?"

I smile "Sure"

"What'll ya have hon'?" She asks taking the range of menus from the drawer by the couch and flicks through them

"Um, Chinese I guess"

She dials in our orders and I sit, flicking aimlessly through the tv channels and as I do it hits me, this is really serious. This has a huge impact on my life.

Olivia's right, I can't just pretend this didn't happen. I'll need to learn to accept this..


	7. Chapter 6: Love and Support

Chapter 6: Love and Support

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Casey I can grocery shop by myself, I was raped I'm not dying"

I grab my keys and catch Casey's gaze, she looks worried and I don't know what to say to ease that

"Casey, just say whatever you need to say, looking at me like that is not helping"

"Alex, I don't want anything to happen to you! and now it's the two of you.. I mean, I'm just worried okay?"

I nod and take her hand "Listen to me, I'm okay. I'm only going a couple of blocks to the grocery store, nothing'll happen, I'll be careful"

She sighs "Can't I come?"

"You realize you sound like a child, yes?"

"Alex-"

"I need to get out of the apartment alone. I don't want to be scared anymore. I need to get my life back"

"Okay Alex, go. I love you"

"I love you too baby. I won't be long"

"You'll call if you need me?"

"I will"

xx

I sigh as I curl further into my jacket, I can do this. I can't get back into this 'normal' routine. The mini-mart is only a couple of blocks away, I can do this. I can.

My breath becomes more and more unsteady the closer I come to the ally and I feel the tremble set in. It's ridiculous, it's not like he sat there for nearly 3 months waiting for me to walk by. It's silly. I can do this.

I round the block and see the moon bouncing the walls shadow off the pavement, my heart beating so fast I can feel it all through me

This is silly.

I'm stronger than this.

Just breathe Alex. It's just an ally way.

I stand looking down to the opening, maybe Casey's right, maybe I wasn't able to do this?

I don't understand, I felt fine before I left and now I'm constantly checking over my shoulder. I guess the paranoia is really kicking in now.

How will I cope as time moves on? If I don't do this now it'll only get worse.

C'mon Alex, the mart is right there, I can do it. Just walk by it.

I take a deep breath and slowly put one trembling foot in front of the other, a have a sick feeling and whether that's dread or morning sickness I can't be sure.

I get to the ally and develop a vice grip on my hand, I honestly didn't think this'd get to me this much.

I speed up to an awkward walk-run getting past the ally, yet my hearts still thumping erratically

I rush to the mini-mart and once inside, I feel myself calm slightly.

Jesus, talk about crazy.

That's why I needed to be alone, Casey can't find out about this. How weak would I look then?

I take a deep breath and walk around gathering up some shopping. The whole time wondering if I'll ever feel right about this again.

xx

"You've been quiet" she says as I lay on the couch and I don't answer, still stuck in my head

"Al"

I look up to her and she smiles supportively

"You okay?"

I nod stiffly "Fine"

"You've been off since you came home, what's up?"

"I got scared Casey" I say harshly, my anger at myself not her, but she nods, understanding

"Where?" She hands me my soda and I drink appreciatively, thankful for the distraction

"The ally" I say after a minute and she slips her hand into my slightly trembling one

"It's okay to be scared sweetie, it's normal"

"Still" I huff out and she squeezes my hand

"It's normal Al. You were assaulted, it's bound to have an impact"

My leg is jumping against the table, my nervous tick making itself apparent, Casey notices and rests her free hand against it

"It is normal.. Alex, something tells me there's something else wrong here?"

"No.. I just" I don't finish my sentence and Casey doesn't take her eyes off me, the tension between us rising

"Just what honey?"

"The baby"

"Oh? How was the sickness today?"

"Okay I guess but that's not what worried me"

"Okay? So what?"

"I... um, Casey, I'm doubting this, like, how I'll handle this child, knowing where they came from. I'm honestly considering putting the baby up for adoption"

Casey sits for a minute, the information sinking in and she turns completely towards me, a look of something that can only be described as pure devotion gracing her features

"Alexandra, this is your choice. Whatever you want, I'll support you-"

"-That's not how it should be though Case, we should've planned this, both of us should've wanted this from the beginning, it should be planned!"

"And what we can't plan now? Alex, we have plenty of time to plan. We can set the spare room up as a nursery and get all the toys the baby could ever need. Alex, this baby is ours. We can plan all we need to Al, don't you let planing put you off. I know you and organizing, everything's done to a tee. Believe me we have 7 months, we can do this in 7 months. Al, 7 months is a lot of planning"

I burst out an airy laugh and nod "You're right, we can plan, can't we?"

"Of course we can, Al, this baby, I know you're cautious about how you're going to handle this and Alex if you don't think you're able for this because of the conception well then adoption is probably best but sweetheart, planning and anything else can be done between now and then. Don't panic okay?"

"I love you so much Case"

"Love you too darling" she runs her hand over my slightly raised stomach "and you too my baby"

I smile, the tears shining in my eyes and she brushes my lips with hers, no more words needing to be said between us, I just feel the safety of her arms as she holds me close to her.

xx

AN: Hey everybody! Thanks for all the feedback! i said I'd update twice today because im not one hundred percent on when I'll be able to update again, it could be a few days, anyway thank you again and keep the feedback coming!


	8. Chapter 7: Repressed Memories

AN:Okay I got this written a little early so I got it up today! Hope you all enjoy. Let me know What you all think!

TW: Graphic scenes, violence, rape.

Chapter 7: Repressed Memories

_I feel his callous hands roam under my shirt, roughly grasping my breasts, the sheer terror of the rapidly unfolding events coursing through my veins paralysing me_

_'Survive Alex, c'mon, you need to get home to Casey, back to your friends, your family'_

_I hear his deep throaty moan, the sound like nails scraping a chalkboard, almost making me wince. He yanks my skirt up and moves one hand down to my centre, pushing aside my panties and forcing his ever hardening self against me_

_I swallow harshly, my throat feeling raw, despite not even screaming. God knows what he'd do if I screamed._

_He pops open his fly and I look away, not wanting to see this._

_The next thing I feel is his harsh thrusts into me, the pain excruciating but I can't cry, I refuse to let him see me hurting._

_He keeps up the horrible assault on my body for several minutes, the pain rapidly getting worse with every thrust. Finally, he finishes and I thank God it's over. The pain was getting borderline unbearable._

_He roughly tugs himself out of me and throws himself back inside his jeans_

_He fixes himself up above me and I sit perched against the wall as he walks away, cool as anything, like he hadn't done a thing wrong._

_I try and pull myself back together, pull down my now what seems a very airy skirt and throw back on my crumpled blazer over my open shirt but my tears are falling too fast now to be capable of doing anything._

"Alex!"

I jump, feeling the clammy touch against my arm. It's her.

I breathe a sigh of relief not feeling as jumpy as before but my hearts still beating pretty fast and then I notice my tears.

I'd been crying in my sleep.

Casey has the bedside lamp on now and I notice the look of concern on her face

"Alex? Baby, it's okay"

I nod and pull the duvet up closer to my body, feeling a little more vulnerable now, I shouldn't though, not with Casey, the woman I love.

"Was it him?"

I nod mutely and she nods back, neither of us really sure on what to say, that's is until she realises something

"That's you're first nightmare"

"Yeah"

"So, what triggered it?"

"Probably going to the market, walking past the ally"

"Exactly, we need to make you feel comfortable walking by the ally, that way you won't be as scared, stoping the nightmares"

"Or I could just live inside for ever with you and our 30 cats"

She smiles at my wit "I don't know about cats.."

"Why?"

"I hate cats"

"What! Casey that's so horrible how do you hate animals?"

"Not all animals! Just cats.. they are daemons, they scratch and bite and squeal at you, it's horrible"

"So that's a maybe on the cats?"

She smiles at me, noticing I'm more comfortable now and I lie back down, in closer to her now and she takes the hint, wrapping one arm around me as she turns out the bedside lamp.

She kisses my cheek and loops her other arm around me

"You are so beautiful sweetheart, inside and out, I love you with everything I have"

"I love you too Casey"

She runs her hand slowly of my swelled stomach and I don't miss her smile

"You have a glow"

"That glow is probably sweat"

She chuckles lightly to herself and cups my cheek, another stray kiss against me, this time straight on my lips

"It's all you Al, it's beautiful"

I smile, really feeling really loved, for the fist time since the rape

I move closer to her "Thank you. You don't know what that means to me"

"You don't have to thank me sweetheart. Now, you should try an sleep some more, g'night Al"

"Night"

I drift off in seconds in her loving arms, things are really okay now. She's here for me and always will be

xx

"Wow, Al you look so shit"

I scowl at the brunette staring back at me "Wow Liv, thanks, that's great"

I open the door wider letting her walk in past me and we sit together on the couch, she handing me the cup of white hot chocolate from the cardboard container in her hand

"It's just as good as any coffee"

"I miss coffee, decaf isn't the same"

"Get hooked on this, believe me, it's heaven"

I take a sip and she smiles when I moan into the cup

"Fuck, that's really good"

"So, you look shit"

"That's the second time you've said that in five minutes" I say gulping down more of the chocolate drink and she caresses my wrist

"I'm sorry, it's just Case said you weren't feeling the best"

"She sent you over didn't she?"

"Well.."

I nod "I thought she might have, she really didn't want to leave this morning"

"So what's up with you, morning sickness?"

"Cramping.. I don't know Liv, it's pretty bad"

"Should we go to the ER?"

I shake my head "It's not that bad Liv, really, it's normal"

She nods but I feel the apprehension "Okay.. But if it gets worse we'll go in"

"We?"

"Yeah, we finished our case yesterday and Cap sent us home for a couple of days so I have today, I wanna spend some time with you. I wanna chat with you, catch up"

I know what she means, she wants to talk about the baby, the rape, the nightmares and the fights with Casey, that's all the last week has been the last week.

"So, why is Casey in work then?"

"Because she has to be"

"No, she doesn't. Liz overheard us talking and told Case to go home, she said she couldn't and asked me to come over, so, what's happening?"

I sigh and run my hands through my hair "We're fighting a lot and I don't know why. It's just like constant arguments"

"About?"

"I don't even know, pointless stuff, seriously irreverent. No matter what we do it causes an argument"

"And this argument was about..?"

"Me. I had another nightmare"

"And she fought with you.. why?"

"I won't talk about them with her. Any of them. She wants to help.."

"And you won't let her. Alex it's normal that you don't want to talk to her, you don't want her to know about that side of you but you need to imagine what it's like for her. She just wants to help but she doesn't know what she's helping with"

"But I don't want her to help. I want to just get over it, which was working okay until the nightmares started"

"Like I said, 'just getting over it' isn't going to work. You need to try and and open up to her. I don't know Al, when did all this start, you and Case were fine at Amanda's party last Saturday?"

"Yeah it started Sunday"

She nods "Try and talk to her Al, little things at first, just try and open up"

"Okay, I'll try" I finish off my hot chocolate and she smiles, looking down at her phone

"So, is that Amanda?"

"Amanda? No, why would it be Amanda-" she rushes out and I smirk

"Oh please. I may not be 100% right now but Olivia I am not blind. You have the hots for Amanda"

"I do not. She's a friend-"

"A friend you want to have sex with"

"Alex!"

"You do! You want her Liv, just admit it"

"She's beautiful. I mean- I like her, no, I don't... oh fuck it, yeah I like Amanda"

"So, why don't you ask her out?"

"I don't know, I mean, we flirt, a lot and I do really like her but I guess I'm nervous..."

"You need to get over Abbie, Liv. It's been two years, go with Amanda, move on"

She nods "I know I do, it's Amanda though. I don't wanna hurt her"

"You won't Liv, believe me, I've seen you in relationships, you're really sweet and devoted to the women you date. Ask Amanda out, trust me she likes you"

"Really..What tells you that?"

"Well, I may have heard through the grapevine that Amanda has major feelings for you"

"You did! Off who?"

"Fin. He told me a couple months ago"

"A COUPLE MONTHS! Alex you could've told me!"

"I was letting you figure it out for yourself"

"I hate you so much Alex"

I smile and pat her side "Ask her, you'll do well Liv"


	9. Chapter 8: It's Okay To Be Screwy

Chapter 8: It's Okay To Be Screwy

I lay on the couch, mindlessly flicking through my book when I hear her keys in the door

I close my eyes, not having the energy to start another argument. After a few minutes of still sitting alone I walk out of the living room and hear her shuffling around in the kitchen

I walk in and she doesn't turn back that is until I mumble her name

"Hi Alex" she says cooly and I roll my eyes as she turns back to making her coffee

"So how was your day?" I ask, nearly begging for a conversation that lasts more 30 seconds

"Meh. Yours?"

"Okay, I guess. Olivia was over"

"Oh? Did you have a nice time?"

"-Okay, I can't take this. Casey this really polite, walking on eggshells attitude is ridiculous! Talk to me about this"

"Alex I don't want to fight with you and that seems like that's all we've done all week. Are you picking fights with me or something? Have I done something to hurt you?"

"No, no Casey. Of course you haven't. I'm sorry, I know we've fought a lot and I wasn't intentionally picking fights.."

"And?"

"I don't know Case, I'm screwy lately. I'm sorry for being such a bitch about everything"

She smiles briefly and opens her arms "C'mere baby"

I melt into her embrace and she places featherlight kisses along my jawline

"I love you Alexandra, please feel free to be as 'screwy' as you like because no matter how bad it is I'll come to you, I'll do what I have to in order to keep you in my life. Please remember that"

I nod against her and kiss her lips, a passionate yet attentive kiss.

It still amazes me that after the rape intimacy doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would. Her kisses comfort me instead of scare me. I love feeling her arms around me.

Sex.

It's the one thing I haven't tried since then. I know, it's soon but I really think her touch will be different. Casey's touch is familiar to me, the gentleness in contrast to his rough thrusts.

She runs her hands through my hair and I lead her out of the kitchen, into the living room and just as we leave the living room towards the bedroom she pulls back

"Woah! No!"

I look over to her "What?"

"Sex. We can't, not yet"

She seems like she's pleading with me. Great, she doesn't want to touch me anymore.

"Okay" I half-heartedly agree and she stops me as I go to turn back to the living room

"Stop. I know that look, Alex it's not that I don't want you, believe me, I do want you" she pauses, briefly looking away from me "it's so soon for you, I don't want to put you into a flashback, I don't want to be the one causing your pain. I love you too much to hurt you, please know it's not because I don't want you"

"I understand. I love you too Case"

She takes my hand into hers, interlocking our fingers

"We can still make out" she suggests raising her eye brow and I kiss away her smirk

"Let's go lie down"

xx

"Ow!" I start awake and place my hand over my stomach, the cramping getting very extreme

Casey sits up and hits the room light "Al, this isn't good. Something is causing that pain, we should really go to the ER"

I groan in pain and peel back the covers, noticing the excessive blood stains

"Uh.. C-Casey"

She looks back and walks over beside me, wrapping her arm around my waist

"You look like you're about to pass out Al"

"I don't feel too good"

"C'mon let's get you to the car"

She wraps me in the fleecy blanket resting at the bottom of our bed and carries me out to the car

The journey there is completed in record speed and as Casey pulls me from the car I feel my eyes drift shut

"Al! Stay awake baby, c'mon, stay awake for me"

xx

I look around, the bright light streaming into the room making my head pound

I smile slightly when I see her, fast asleep with her head resting on my bed

"Casey, Casey wake up" I tap her side "Case, c'mon"

She looks up, drowsily, which immediately vanishes seeing I'm awake

"Al! Oh thank God!" She kisses my cheek and runs her hand along my arm "are you in any pain?"

I shake my head "What happened?"

She stiffens "Alex, the doctors said you have a weakened cervix miscarriage"

"What does that mean?" I ask not sure if I even want to know

"Your body couldn't support the child as it grew Al. You dilated and that's where the excessive bleeding came from, it pushed out the foetus without detection"

The way she describes it sounds so clinical, obviously parroting back a paraphrased version of what the doctor told her

I sit staring ahead blankly and Casey keeps looking up to me now and again, not daring to speak

"You okay?" She asks after more time has passed

"If I came in yesterday when Olivia-"

"No. The ob/gyn said in first pregnancies it's barely detectable, the cramping was normal, not associated with this"

"You don't know that"

"The ob/gyn has a good idea of it"

I bite my lip and wipe away a stray year "I swear to God, this is idiotic. Half the time I didn't even know if I was going to keep it and now-"

"Now your grieving for the child we lost, I did it already"

"Really?" I ask through tears, that she wipes away and nods

"Of course, I meant what I said, that baby was ours"

"So..."

She takes my hand waiting for me to finish my sentence

"You wouldn't be objecting to trying again?"

"If you want too, when you're feeling better of course, I wouldn't have a problem. As long as you don't want like 6 or 7"

I smile slightly "I'd be happy with one Case. Wait, what about pregnancies? Will I be able to carry?"

"You'd be high risk, a lot of check ups, that's if we don't.." she cuts herself short and I squeeze her hand, silently telling her to finish her sentence "..miscarry first"

I nod "We could always adopt anyway"

"Or I could carry"

I meet her eyes with my widened ones "What?!"

"I have a womb too, I could always try"

"B-But, I thought you didn't-"

"I'll have a family with you Alex, anyway I've kinda gotten used to the idea"

"Really?"

"Who wouldn't want a baby with you? Just the though of you being a Mom makes my heart melt"

"I can't believe how much your opinions changed"

"Well, I saw what I'd be like without you and I'd prefer to have a family with you than loose my future with you altogether. I had never thought of kids, I thought I wouldn't need children, now when I think of it maybe babies wouldn't be the worst thing"

"Thank you, for all of this, getting my mind off it"

"That's alright babe, oh and Liv called, she said she's sorry and she'll call over sometime. So did Abbie and Rena"

"I don't wanna see anyone yet"

"They know that, don't worry"

"Will you lie with me?" I ask, my voice sounding a lot smaller than I'd like it too

"Of course Alex"


	10. Chapter 9: Visits and Pasts

Chapter 9: Visits and Pasts

Casey opens the door, the light flooding into the dark living room and I hear them all file in and I tense but don't turn and face them, really not wanting them here right now

"Ally?" Rena says softly from behind me and I feel my blood boil slightly at her tone, it's full of pity - almost condescending

"Hi" I say just loud enough for them to hear and Olivia walks into my line of sight

"How're ya feeling? Any better?"

I nod and sit up, looking around the room, noticing Casey's absence, she's obviously giving us time to talk "A little" I reply to the question and Abbie sits in beside me

"I'm sorry I didn't get over yesterday, a case came up, I tried to get out of it-"

"You shouldn't have Abs, I'm okay, honest"

Liv and Rena walk into the kitchen to join Casey, obviously leaving to let me and Abbie talk

"Alex, I don't like to say it but you look horrendous. I mean, it's clear you haven't slept in days"

"I am sleeping" I lie, if it's not a nightmare waking me it's my thoughts not letting me sleep

"You aren't. You can lie as much as you want to all them, Casey included but you won't lie to me. I know you haven't been sleeping so, talk, cry, scream or hit me but do not lie to me. C'mon hon' let me in"

"I hate how this has made me feel. First I wanted the baby, then I considered adoption, then I wanted it again and just as I started getting excited about it, it's just gone. All because I failed. It wasn't just nature, it was me, I caused it"

"You didn't cause it-"

"It was a fault of my body Abbie. I wasn't able to support my child!"

"Al, that isn't you're fault. It's not like you went out and got pissed every night or took coke, it was an act of nature, it's not like you knew"

"Still.."

She takes my hand "Hon' have you talked to Case?"

I shake my head "No.. I don't know why Abs, I just.. don't want her to worry"

"Alex, I'd say you not talking is worrying her more than if you were talking"

I sigh "I just need a little time, but ya know Case and me had such a nice talk at the hospital"

"Yeah? About what?"

"Having another baby. I know it seems early but she said once I feel up to it, if I wanted we could talk about trying again. She even offered to carry if I couldn't"

"Casey did? Wow Al, that's huge"

"Isn't it?

"Al, can I just suggest you tell her about not sleeping? She'll help. Ya know, when I can't sleep and Rena doesn't want me taking sleeping pills, she gives me a massage, it works pretty well"

"Yeah? Hey Abs, thanks. I'm so lucky to have someone like you as my best friend"

She reaches around to her necklace, takes it off and slips it around my neck

I look down the the silver cross now around my neck

"Abs, I can't keep that-"

"Yeah, you can. It's yours Al. Think of it as an early Christmas present"

I roll my eyes "Don't even talk about Christmas, I haven't even thought of presents yet and it's two weeks away"

"Rena and me are having everyone for dinner, if you like"

"Oh? And who's everyone?"

"Well, you, Case, Liv and-"

"And?" I sit up smiling and Abbie smirks

"You know don't you?"

"Depends who it is"

"Amanda"

"Yes!" I half scream and Casey walks out, her brows furrowed

"Everything alright baby?" She asks and Abbie smiles

"Alex's just very happy about the new relationship"

"Oh, Liv and Amanda, yeah they're cute aren't they?"

"Excuse me?" Olivia cuts in "call me if we're going to discuss me, you know that ladies" she smirks and and Casey turns her around

"We're going back out now-"

"-No, you're not, Case find out what everyone wants for dinner, we'll order in" I turn to Abbie "you don't have anywhere to be?"

She shakes her head "Nope, I'm not so sure about Liv though, she might have a hot date with the sexy blonde"

Alex smirks and Casey puts on a hurt voice "Olivia how dare you date my girlfriend"

"She means the other sexy blonde" Olivia winks and Abbie smiles

"Stay away from Rena too Olivia or I'll have to pound on you just a little"

"Okay, is it just me or are a lot of us blonde?" Olivia laughs looking to Serena who's walked in, bottle of wine in hand

"Blondes have more fun" she shakes the bottle to emphasise her point and pours me a glass, clinking hers off mine

"To having fun"

Abbie rolls her eyes as we toast "What, nobody else have a mouth in the house?" She gestures to the two glasses now being drank from

"What'd your last servant die of Abbie, you have legs, get your own glass" she says playfully and Abbie shoves her on her journey to to the kitchen and we hear the faintest mumble of 'bitch'

"Yes but I'm your bitch honey!" Serena replies and we all chuckle

I'm blessed with great friends. I'm really happy they came over today, they've really cheered me up

xx

I finger the silver cross around my neck and Casey looks over to me

"That's new" she states and I nod

"It is to me anyway, Abbie gave it to me today"

"That was sweet"

"I shouldn't have taken it" I say blankly and Casey slips her hand into mine

"Why?"

"Didn't Abbie ever tell you the story behind the chain?"

"No?"

"Did you at least notice she wore it most days"

"Yes, every time we'd go out and she'd be in a dress I'd see it. What's the story?"

"When Abs was a kid her and her Mom were really close. For her 14th birthday her Mother got her the chain, real silver. She was dead within a month of that"

"Oh my God, what happened?"

"She had Cancer, didn't tell anyone. It progressed and eventually killed her. Abbie wore the chain ever since her Mom died"

"Why'd she give it to you?"

"Frankly, I'm not too sure. We chatted and I said I was lucky to have her, then she gave me the chain"

She caresses my cheek "Abbie loves you just as much as you love her" she moves her hand down to the chain, admiring it

"God, it's gorgeous"

"It really is, I can't believe Abs gave it to me"

"You're one her best friends, she wants God looking over you. Did you two have a nice talk?"

I nod "She really helped, actually I need you to do something for me"

"Okay, what?"

"I'm not sleeping well and Abbie suggested I ask you to give me a massage, it might help. Will you?"

"Of course" she kisses my cheek "Let's go to bed"


	11. Chapter 10: Refreshed

A big shout out to TKR.87 and Liv-x-Case Benson for their continued support, it means a lot. Thank you!

Chapter 10: Refreshed

I woke up the next morning more alert than I have been in weeks

I look down at Casey, fast asleep and run my fingers through her hair carefully ensuring I don't wake her

God she's beautiful. Truly stunning.

I can't believe I ended up with someone as beautiful as her. If you told me ten years ago that now I'd be here with someone as gorgeous as her by my side I'd have called you crazy.

I smile as she stirs and reaches for me, pulling me down closer to her

"Mornin' babe" she mumbles, her voice holding a deep sexy timbre and I smile, kissing her

"Morning baby, sleep good?"

"Mh humm, you?"

"Yeah, really good actually, that massage really helped"

"Yeah? Good, we might actually have to do that every night then, any excuse to touch you like that again" she smirks slightly

"It was pretty amazing"

"Yeah?" She asks looking into my eyes and I nod

"Your touch still arouses me darling, I don't think anything would stop that"

She moans into her pillow "Keep saying things like that and I don't know what I'll do baby"

"I don't think if object somehow or another"

"Are you sure? It's very soon after everything that went on Al"

"Soon Case, not now but soon. I love feeling you on me, I feel safe with you"

She smiles and wraps me in her arms "We should go out for dinner tonight, get dressed up. We haven't gone on a date in such a long time"

"I know, we really need to work on us"

She nods "You're right, we can do it though, me and you can make it through anything"

"We can" I agree and she kisses my cheek

"How about breakfast?" She offers and I smile

"If you're cooking I'm okay"

She chuckle "Do you honestly think I'm gonna cook babe? I mean, how about I go pick us up coffee and cheese and bacon melts?"

"Oh, see now that sounds pretty perfect. I'll grab a shower while you're gone"

"M'kay, I won't be too long. Have a nice shower"

"I will, see you soon"

xx

"I'm dressed Case, how do I look?" I twirl, my dress twisting and I smile as her jaw drops slightly

"You look...wow"

"Wow - I like the sound of that" I smirk and she walks over and kisses me

"You look very wow, crazy wow. I haven't seen that dress in a while" She runs her hands along the sides of the light blue satin "It's always been gorgeous on you, brings out your eyes"

"Look at you, green. You know what green does to me"

"Do I?" She says innocently and I run my hands over her ass

"You do. I believe every time you wear that dress I tell you how much I want to rip it off you"

"Oh that, yeah, you may have mentioned it" she smiles

"So where are we going?" I ask and she hands me my purse, taking my hand and leading me out the door

"You'll see when we get there"

xx

"Casey that meal was delicious, I mean, wow"

"I thought you'd like it, Liv recommended we go to either the Italian or the new Moroccan place, I thought you'd like to try Moroccan place"

"That's true, there's only so much Italian and Chinese you can eat"

She chuckles lightly "Maybe that 'cause neither of us can cook and we order in nearly every night"

"It's a miracle we keep our figures"

"I'd say it was the jogging we did, then walking to work"

I nod "Ya know, we should start jogging again. I used to love going with you in the mornings"

"You sure you're up to it?"

"Casey, you realise I'm not going to break. I'm okay sweetheart, honestly. You don't need to worry about me"

"I know, I just.. do. I want you to feel better. Get back to yourself"

"I'm as good as I can be babe. Sure it'll take some time to be completely better but until then I'm okay"

She smiles and caresses my cheek "If you want we'll start jogging again in the morning"

"I'd love that"

xx

"I hate this" I huff out as I suck in another laboured breath

She laughs as we sit into the park bench "You wanted to start again Al, not me"

"I think I'll just need some time to get back into it" I still pant and she grabs my hand

"C'mon that's enough for this morning. We'll ease back into it"

I nod as we walk back towards the apartment

We walk in a heavy silence and as we get to the apartment she lays her hand against my side

"What's on your mind?"

"Just... stuff"

"Stuff? You're gonna need to tell me more than that babe"

"Its nothing big, I mean.. us. We've been together for nearly 4 years now"

"Yeah I know" she smiles "two more months"

"February 5th"

"I thought it was 6th" I scowl at her and she laughs "joking! Jesus, if looks could kill"

"Can you believe it's nearly Christmas? We'll need to dig the decorations out soon"

"And get our presents"

"How about we do that tomorrow? We'll make a day of it, have lunch in town, get our presents"

"What about each other's presents? How'll we hide them?"

"We'll split up then" I smile as she nods

"That's sounds perfect Al"


	12. Chapter 11: Getting Back To 'Normal'

Chapter 11: Getting Back To 'Normal'

"So, where should we start?"

I sigh and look around the mall

"I honestly don't have a clue Casey, maybe we should start with, who? So, we need to shop for your Mom and Dad, my Mom and Dad, Liv, Abs, Rena, Fin, Munch.. did I forget anyone?"

"Well saying Amanda's going to be at the dinner, I'd suggest we get her something"

"Shit yeah.. Amanda"

She smiles "Don't worry, I won't eat you out about forgetting"

I laugh "How about we start with our parents?"

She sighs "What the hell will I get Mom and Dad this year. I tried asking last week when I called and Mom said we don't have to get anything. It's not like I'm just going to get nothing.."

"Don't even complain about getting nothing, my Mother and Father have everything! Unless I buy Daddy a yacht I'll be buying a duplicate of something"

"Your Father doesn't have a yacht?" She asks in shock

"No need to sound so surprised Case"

"They have everything else! You grew up in a mansion babe, I'm surprised your Dad doesn't have several yachts"

"That's... very true. Oh by the way, Mom asked us for a 'not Christmas, Christmas dinner' next week"

"Lovely" she puts on her best face but I smirk and squeeze her hand

"Oh stop it, I know you want to cry"

"Your Mother hates me!" She protests and I laugh under my breath

"She does not hate you-"

"Don't even try that, remember her gala two years ago? Remember what happened?"

_"Oh Casey, please, please I need you" I slur against her ear and she pushes me away slightly, propping me against the chair_

_"We're at your Mothers party we can't-"_

_"My old bedrooms free, please! Case I'm begging you"_

_She grabs my hand and pulls me up the stairs and as we reach my old room I start peppering kisses down her neck, nipping her skin_

_"Al" she moans as we slip in the door and leads me to the bed_

_She lays me down and I pull her on top of me _

_"Ugh, I've wanted you since I saw you in that sexy dress"_

_"A-Al, your Mothers party is-"_

_"Don't care. Fuck me"_

_She moans against my ear as she hikes up my dress and then we hear it, the worst thing to hear in that moment_

_"Alexandra!" my Mother shrieks slamming the door shut "I'll expect you and.. her downstairs immediately"_

I laugh remembering the incident

"Oh Case.. I completely forgot about that! That was hilarious!"

"You were smashed! You were fine! I had to deal with your mothers glares for the rest of that evening!"

"Well, Mom doesn't hate you. In fact, last year when her and Dad came up she said you were sweet"

"She did?"

"Yeah, so don't fret about this dinner, they love you and they know how much I love you, you're family"

"Yeah?"

I take her hand "Of course you are. I can't believe you just asked that.. Case, baby, of course you're family"

She nods "I just never.."

"You're family" I say cutting her off "c'mon lets go shop"

xx

"So, that's everyone... except each other" Casey smiles as she ticks Abbie's name off our list "Yay, the fun part!"

I laugh as we leave the food court "So, how long have we got to pick these gifts?"

"Well, I know mine so-"

"You know yours?!" I exclaim

She laughs "I do, I kinda researched"

"You're such a perfectionist"

"Oh this coming from miss organised over here"

"I'm organised, I don't research Christmas presents"

"I just want everything to be perfect for you, you deserve it"

"Say more nice things"

She smirks "Maybe later, now I have to go pick you up something amazing"

"Amazing? Somebody's hopeful"

"You'll love this gift, I know you will"

"Oh? And you wanna give me a clue"

"Let me see.. no. No clues, that'll spoil the surprise"

"Fine" I sigh and pout, giving her my best puppy dog eyes, hoping I'll crack her but she knows me all too well and makes her way towards the south side of the mall

"I'll meet you back here in an hour"

Ugh, now to pick a gift.

xx

Two hours and one golden pendant later I walk into the apartment, guarding the bag as best I can, making sure she doesn't see the necklace

It came to just over $500 but I know she's worth every penny.

"Turn around, you're not seeing this before Christmas morning"

She sighs and walks back down the hall and I decide hide the bag in my wardrobe

I walk in and when I open the doors a zip locked plastic bag lands at my feet and I gasp seeing the contents

The ripped black blazer, crumpled skirt and blouse lay on the wooden boards and I feel the bile rise in my throat

I forgot about them.. Leaving them in the closet wasn't the brightest idea in hindsight. What else was I supposed to do with them? I couldn't throw them away, what if I wanted to report it?

What if he did it again? What if they need my clothes to look for DNA?

I grab the bag of clothes and shove them into the back of closet, opting for further in, just in case Casey goes snooping - not that she would.. hopefully

"Alex?" I hear her call up to the bedroom "everything alright?"

"Yeah! One sec!" I rush out and within seconds I'm out of the bedroom and meeting her in hall

"Dinner?" I offer, slightly and flustered and she eyes me over

"You sure you're alright?" She asks sounding concerned and I nod

"I'm good, c'mon lets go choose something for dinner"

xx

"Alexandra! Wake up!

I jump at her shout and she smooths back my sweat tangled hair

"It's okay darling, it's over"

My hearts thumping, feeling like it's about to pound out of my chest, but I don't know why.

Well, it was obviously a nightmare but I can't remember it?

"C-Casey.." I stutter out, my words coming along with a sob and she wraps her arms around me

"It's okay Al, sshh, it's alright"

"I don't remember it. I-I can't even remember-" I'm cut of by more sobs and she kisses my hair

"It's okay baby, it's okay"

"It's not! Who has a nightmare and doesn't remember? I'm so fucked up!"

"You are not!" She tells me firmly and I lay in close to her, resting my head against her chest "you are far from fucked up Al, you've been through a lot. You aren't going to heal over night. You'll need time, that's okay"

"I want to go back to normal"

"What's normal?"

"Not this. This isn't normal"

"It's perfectly normal. You've been through hell, this is your body's way of dealing. It's plenty normal baby"

I nod, not really sure what to say to that, how do you reply to such a simple yet meaningful statement?

"I love you Casey"

"I love you too Al. Now please try sleep again. You must be dead tired"

"M'kay"


	13. Chapter 12: Blessing

Chapter 12: Blessing

I search her pained expression as she pulls on her black velvet dress

"Case" I say gently and her eyes come up and meet mine

"Yeah?" She asks innocently and I smile at her

"You're obviously shitting it. I promise it will not be that bad"

She nods stiffly in reply and I continue watching her. She's actually really scared about this. I'm not sure what else to say? Mom and Dad accept her, well, Dad definitely does, it depends what mood you catch Mom in whether she does or not. That also applies to her accepting my lesbianism.

I finish running the brush through my hair and smiles when I see her watching me

"Yes?" I ask smiling and she blushes looking away

"Nothin'" she mumbles and I laugh

"Sure baby, whatever you say"

xx

As we make our way down the drive Casey lets out an unsteady breath "We're late"

I roll my eyes "Can you please relax, you didn't know there was going to be an accident on the freeway. I texted Mom and let her know, she told us to be careful and get here when we can"

Her grip loosens on the wheel at my words and she calms just a fraction. The car rolls to a stop outside my family home and Casey goes rigid at my Mothers exclamation, shouted down from the porch

"Alexandra! Darling! You're finally here!"

I look up and see them, Dad smiling warmly, giving us both an awkward wave and Mom standing, oven gloves draped over what I'm sure are still perfectly manicured hands and giving a warm smile too, one hard to see through but I still do, I've seen it many times before

I squeeze Casey's hand and we stand out of the car

"Mom! Dad! Great to see you" I say grabbing the apple pie from the back seat "How's everything?"

"Great, wonderful" Dad answers as we make our way up the steps "Hi Casey" he nods to her and Casey straightens up

The tremble in her voice isn't missed "Hi-i Sir"

I smirk as Dad replies "What have I said Casey, call me George"

She smiles back "George"

We get to the top of the steps, standing side by side with them and Mom pulls me in close to her

"I've missed you Al, you should really call more" the false 'warm' smile replaced with a heavy scowl that knots her eyebrows

She's right. I only call around 7 or 8 times a year, even though they're only an hours drive away

"Sorry Mom, we'll call more"

She nods and turns to Casey "Hello Dear, how've you been?"

"Good Ma'am, and yourself?"

She, unlike Dad doesn't correct Casey on the formal name, she's always been ma'am to my girlfriends, always.

"Not bad. I was just saying to Alexandra that you and her don't call often enough" she says in a slightly condescending tone and Casey picks up on it and looks to me, which I just shrug

I never know what's on Moms mind when it comes to my girlfriends.

"I know Ma'am. We're working on that"

"Oh? Good" Mom says unconvincingly and walks in ahead of us

"C'mon inside girls, catch us up. How've you both been?"

"Alright George" Casey answers and I nod

"Okay Daddy, actually, could I talk to you in the garage in a few minutes?"

"The garage? Sure" he scowls in confusion and I lead Casey into the living room as Daddy goes check if Mom needs a hand with dinner preparations

"You didn't tell them about the rape did you?"

"Casey-"

"You didn't"

"I'm going to tell Daddy now. I want to get him away from Mom"

"They still think you're in work?"

"I'll tell him"

"They don't know about the baby"

"And they don't have too. I'm not telling them that"

"Alex-"

"I'm not telling them"

xx

"Oh baby" He cups my cheek and pulls me in tight to him "why didn't you tell us?"

"I couldn't Daddy. Not over the phone, and I didn't have a chance to call up.. To be honest I didn't feel much like leaving the house. Casey's been working and I'm using some of Granddads inheritance to help us"

He nods "I'm glad you're using that money. That's what Dad would've wanted Al, you know how devoted he was to you"

I smile sadly remembering the man I adored, I was the apple of his eye, 'his best girl'. Daddy brushes his thumbs across my cheeks and it's only then I notice I'm crying

"It's alright sweetheart, c'mere"

I sob into his comforting embrace and he hums softly, the carnival music, like he always did when I was upset growing up.

The carnival, when I was growing up, was the happiest place on earth. Every few months it'd come to town and I'd insist we'd go and of course, being the Daddy's girl I was (am) he brought me

"Baby, you need to tell your Mother, she needs to know. I can't keep this from her"

"I-I know, I just.. it's hard Daddy. Talking about it, answering questions. People ask how I'm feeling and how am I supposed to answer that? Honestly I feel shit! I'm sick of nightmares and fear and crying and vulnerability. I want to be strong again, like I was"

He runs his hand over my back "My sweet baby, you are strong. I know it's hard to see now but Lexi, you're so strong"

I sob harder at the nickname, Lexi. I love when he calls me that, it offers comfort especially in contrast to the cold 'Alexandra' I get off Mom.

"I can tell her later baby, no point in ruining your meal, I want you to relax and try and enjoy today" He smiles and kisses my cheek

"Thanks Daddy, that means a lot.."

"I know," he starts as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out something hidden by his hand "you're Mom'll freak for me giving this to you now but it's best if I don't do it in front of Casey, just in case"

"Give me what?"

He opens his hand revealing the small plastic bag holding the ring I recognise so well from Mom's dresser growing up

"Oh, God..."

"You don't have to use it, we're just saying, if you do truly love this woman, which I believe you do, then you need to consider asking her"

"B-But it's Grandma's ring, Daddy, I can't-"

"Your Grandfather would want you to use it Alex, if you want to marry Casey, use this ring, please"

I take the plastic covered jewellery and smile

"Thank you, don't worry. I think it'll be put to good use"

He smiles a knowing smile and takes my hand

"Let's go back in and make sure your Mother hasn't killed Casey"

I laugh and slip the gift into my pocket

"Thanks Daddy"

"No problem Lexi"

xx

"Mom, that was delicious" I say, leaning back in my chair and Mom smiles

"Thank you Alexandra, I'm glad you enjoyed it"

"It was beautiful" Casey says as she moves to help Mom with the dishes

I smile when Mom doesn't dispute and let's her help, a miracle. They're going to be alone stacking the dishes for 1.5 seconds, please, please don't fight

After a few minutes Daddy smiles at me when we hear laughing coming from the kitchen

And I immediately shoot from my seat hearing what follows "Oh my God! That's Alex in second grade!"

Daddy walks into the kitchen after me and Casey is in hysterics taking in the view of the picture

My long, brown hair cascading down to my shoulders, my crooked teeth in the process of being straightened by full metal braces, braces which are on full show by my 'toothy' smile, which would be 'toothy' if you could see teeth and not just horrible jutting metal

"You had brown hair?!" She asks and I sigh

"You've got me, not natural blonde" I raise my hands

"Oh my God.. That's crazy! How do I not notice you dye it?"

"I get it done twice a month on one of my lunch breaks, it was done there Friday"

"Oh my God"

She's in awe and Daddy smiles

"You think that's bad Casey, wait until you hear about camp-"

"Oh, no, no, no. Casey doesn't want to hear about camp-"

"-Um, yeah Casey does!" She cuts in and I turn and death glare her seeing a grin on her face

"You're all going to hell" I mumble as Daddy starts his story and I help Mom with the dishes

xx

We stand out on the porch, the chilling December wind causing us to wrap our coats even further around us

"Listen, Alexandra, Casey, today was lovely. It was such a pleasant evening, I do hope you'll both call again soon"

"Just after the New Year Mom"

"Thank you for such a lovely evening, and dinner" Casey offers as we go to walk down the steps and Mom catches her wrist and pulls her into a relaxed hug

"You're welcome dear, you travel safe, okay?"

"Yes Ma'am" Casey nods curtly and I see Mom squeeze Casey's wrist gently

"Call me Karen dear"

My eyes widen and look to Daddy who smiles at me offering a brief nod and gestures to his ring finger

I bite my lip understanding, they're giving me their blessing to marry Casey.

Oh my God.

xx

AN: Hey everyone, this'll be the last update until Friday evening/ Saturday. I have 3 exams and my birthday so I cant see much getting done over the next few days. I'll keep going though. Anyway! Let me know what you think and again thanks for all the feedback!


	14. Chapter 13: Christmas

Chapter 13: Christmas

"Alex! You ready?" I hear her call over the hushed Christmas song playing from the stereo and I grab the wine from the fridge

"Yep!"

She walks in our purses in hand and she smirks, obviously noticing I haven't moved from my position with the exception of my jaw dropping

"What?"

"You... know what. I mean, you look flawless. Them jeans"

She runs her hands over the skin tight black jeans "You were there when I bought them, it's not like you haven't seen them"

"It's what's in them that I like seeing"

"Oh?" She walks over and wraps her arms around my waist and before she does anything, I move my hands down over her ass

"I missed touching you like this"

"All you have to do is ask darling" she coos against my ear and I press my lips to her neck

She pushes my face back up and kisses my lips full on

"God you're beautiful" she utters as we pull back and I feel my heart thump in my chest, as well as the pounding in other places

"Hhmmm" I groan softly and feel my hands tremble slightly as she meets my eyes

"Alright?"

I nod and she kisses me again "We should go darling, don't want to be late to Abbie's"

I walk over and grab the wine again "Ready when you are"

"Good, let's go"

xx

We pull in the driveway and I notice Casey fingering the pendant around her neck and I smile

She really loved the gift, as I loved hers - a beautiful bracelet with an inscription of our names. I look down to the object clipped tightly around my wrist and smile

I'm so lucky to have such an amazing woman by my side

"Case" I say before we get out of the car and she looks over to me, waiting for me to keep going "I love you.. I mean, I love you so much. You really are the best person I've ever had in my life and I'm just so thankful to have you"

"I love you too baby" she leans over and kisses me "and as for being the best person in your life, that's probably a good thing 'cause you're stuck with me"

I chuckle lightly and then we hear Abbie, who's obviously growing impatient, screaming for us to come inside.

We both look up and see Amanda standing with Liv behind a flustered Rena and anxious Abbie

We get out and as we walk up the porch Casey grabs my hand, causing a round of 'awwwws' from behind us

I smile as Casey blushes slightly and Abbie grabs my shoulders and guides me in the door

"Look what I made, wait 'till you see, hon' you'll be so proud"

I smile as we walk into the living room and see all our places set at the table, and a dinner at each one

"I made that, me, the one who failed her Home Economics in High School!"

"Technically" 'Rena cuts in "We made it baby, you didn't-"

"I knew the chicken wasn't done then, I just asked to be sure, I didn't want it to burn"

Serena nods and we hear her mumble something that sound a lot like 'it was raw' but we can't be sure

Casey smiles as she sits in beside me and we all start our own little conversations, Amanda talking to me

"Alex, thank you both so much for the earrings, although you didn't have to get me anything. I am only new-"

"Nonsense. You've walked into this group whether you wanted to or not. Anyway, it's nice to see Liv so happy-"

"Liv is sitting right here. Liv can hear you discussing her" Olivia cuts in and I smirk

"It's 'cause we hate you, ugh you're just such a bitch. Just leave Olivia"

She laughs and wraps her arm around the back of Amanda's chair, showing her protectiveness over the young blonde

"Who's for wine?" Serena asks and we all answer in a positive, no real shock there.

I swear, if I didn't know any better if say we were borderline alcoholics.. But I know better.

I smile as Olivia passes me the bottle of white and we all tuck into the roast in front of us

"Merry Christmas everyone" I say, clinking glasses with Abbie and Casey and the others mutter out replies around their mouthfuls of mash potato

xx

"Can we chat?" Casey asks me as she pads into the bedroom that evening, dressed in her satin nightgown, the pendent around her neck

"Sure... uh, everything alright?"

She lays in beside me, propping herself against the pillows

"It's soon, I know. I just want to say that.. well, I want, we should consider babies.. well baby for now I guess but-"

I cut off her rambles telling her I understand what she means and she quietens, meeting my eyes, the silence between us crippling, my thoughts rushing around my head

I clear my throat "Casey, I'd love a baby. I'd love several babies but only if your sure"

"I'm very sure Al" she kisses my cheek "I am completely sure, I'd love to try with you, try start a family together"

"Really? Like, you aren't just saying that to make me happy, you really want children"

"I do" she runs her hand up my leg "I really want a family with you"

"I want a family too Case, I do" I sigh and dart my eyes around the room "Case, I need to tell you something"

"Yeah?"

I bite my lip, standing off the bed and Casey's eyes follow me across to the wardrobe, where I pull the zip locked bag from the back and begin to fidget with the side of it

"These, i-it's what I was wearing...that evening. I kept them here" I turn back to her and she nods looking to the bag

"You did the right thing babe" she pats the bed and I walk over and sit in beside her and she slips the bag from my hand and leaves it by our side, slipping her hand back into mine "Thank you for telling me though, I'm glad you trust me enough to talk to me"

"I want to try but Casey, I need to know I'll be able to support this kid, I mean, nearly every night I wake up not remembering my nightmare, I don't know, I just feel insecure I guess"

"Baby, it's natural to feel insecure but see, this is going to take time, a lot of time. We can take as long as we need with this, I just wanted to ask, see where you were"

"Do you think I'd be capable?"

"Baby, that's not my decision to make. You are improving, which is obviously a good thing and with that little bit more improvement I'm sure you won't even need to ask that question"

"I want to try Casey. I just don't want to seem weak-"

"That's one thing you are not darling" she cups my cheek "you're the furthest from weak I can imagine. After everything you've gone through you're still considering this, it was a traumatic experience, I'd be surprised if you weren't doubting yourself but you can stop, you've come on so much in the last couple of weeks, I couldn't be prouder of you"

I look her in the eye, she really means it, the honesty is evident and I smile slightly and nod

"Okay"

"Okay?" She asks and I smile slightly

"Okay, we can try for a family"

She pulls me over into her arms

"I love you so much Al!"

"I love you too baby"

I glance to the bedside drawer where I left the ring Daddy gave me, it's a miracle she still hasn't found it. I'm going to put it to use though, soon, if everything goes to plan...


	15. Chapter 14: Trying?

Chapter 14: Trying?

"Should we tell your parents if we're actually going to try to start a family?"

I look around from the mirror where I've been styling my hair, to her, my eyes widened slightly "Um, y-yeah..I guess"

"What?" She asks, catching my look "Should we wait? If you don't want to tell them-"

"No! No.." I assure her "I want to try Case, it's just telling Mom and Dad"

"You're worried how they'll react?"

"A little"

Surely she'll be okay? Dad, see I know Dad will be fine, he supports me and Casey, he has from the beginning but Mom, I don't know about Mom. Sure she supports us getting married but I can't see her supporting children.

Even when I was growing up I had to suffer with 'No children outside of wedlock Alexandra'

I roll my eyes remembering the arguments we went through about my sexuality, to be honest, it's almost too good to be true that she's accepting us

"Alex, look at me"

I snap out of my thoughts and look up to her, a slight smile on my face

"Alex, if your Mom and Dad have a problem then we can talk to them, talk it all out, show our side. Please don't worry about it, I don't want you getting stressed"

I walk over and fall into her, burying against her shoulder "I love you Casey"

"I love you too Al" she places a kiss against my forehead "Hey how about we go out tonight? Our last drinks of the year out together"

"What if we go out tomorrow night?" I ask and to my relief she laughs

"We're not going out on New Years Eve! Tomorrow night we're staying at home. I'm ringing in the new year with you in my arms"

Or on one knee

"How sweet are you" I kiss her and she smiles against my lips

"It's you, you're a good influence"

"That's not something I would have thought" I smirk

"You are, at times a good influence. Other times, not so much"

I pull back and smile at her "how about we invite Mom and Dad over for dinner before we go out? We can tell them then"

She smiles "That sounds pretty good Al, if you're sure you want to tell them?"

"I am. They need to know either way if something was to happen"

"Good. I'll go make a start on dinner. Is a roast okay?"

"Perfect, I think I'll grab a shower while you make a start, I'll be down in a few minutes 'kay?"

"Yep, enjoy your shower"

She grabs her cell and walks out of the room, giving me one last smile and I rush to the bathroom turn on the shower and walk back out, closing over the bathroom door behind me

I sit on the side of the bed and root through the drawer, looking for the plastic covered ring, which comes to hand rather easily and I again cannot believe she hasn't found it

I pull the bag out and look over the ring a small smile forming on my lips, it's beautiful.

As a child I remember I'd always sit in awe looking at the ring, playing dress up in Mom's room and I'd love to have out it on but Mom always said no, I understand why, it was grandma's ring, if I lost it Daddy would be heartbroken.

I know giving it to me to give to Casey is a big step for Mom, even at my age, I know she thinks I'll loose it, I'm hell with small jewellery, I loose everything! It's actually a bit of a problem.. scatter brain!

It's not even the fact that she gave me grandma's ring, I'm just so happy that she accepts us, that she sees Casey as more than my 'friend', which is what she was for the first year we were together.

Jesus, that pissed Casey off

_"Alexandra! How lovely to see you.. Oh, your friend is here too"_

_"My girlfriend lives here Mom, it's hardly surprising she's here"_

_Daddy sniggers in the background and Casey smiles at me _

_"Honestly Alexandra you're too old for this kind of behaviour, going around with women, it's like having a roommate"_

_"Yeah a roommate she sleeps with" Casey cuts in before I get a chance and I notice Daddy walk into the kitchen, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter_

_"No need to be so crude madam" Mom says, venom seeping through in her tone_

_"Mom-"_

_"I'm not sixty, Casey is fine if you're going to call me anything" _

_"I think I'll stick with Alexandra's friend"_

_"GIRLfriend" Casey sighs "I'm her girlfriend, we live together. Stop saying we're friends, you have friends I bet you don't sleep with them!"_

_I laugh, drawing my Mothers attention "Finding this funny Alexandra? She's disrespectful! Couldn't you just find a nice boy-"_

_"No, I couldn't. I perfectly happy with Casey as my 'friend' Mom"_

I laugh to myself remembering all the arguments Mom and Casey had, I'm convinced it was personality clashes, Casey however disagrees, insisting she's nothing like my mother.

I slip the ring from the bag and smile as I hold it between my fingers. It's perfect. Tomorrow will be perfect.

xx

"Alex, Casey hi" Mom smiles walking into the apartment and Casey smiles

"Hi Karen"

"Hi Mom"

Dad walks in, hugging me on the way past and having some conversation with Casey about baseball, I tend to zone out when they discuss sports, so that leaves me with Mom

"So Mom, how're you?" I ask as we walk into the kitchen and she nods

"I'm good darling and yourself, hows everything here?"

"Not bad"

"I assume you haven't put the ring to use yet?"

"Tomorrow Mom, I'm going to ask at midnight"

She smiles "Wow, who knew you were so romantic Alexandra"

"I try"

"I've never seen you this happy honey"

"Mom, I love Casey with all my heart. I've never felt like this about anyone.. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel better around her, everything feels right with her"

"I'm glad you found someone like her. She's a sweet girl, you're lucky"

"I am, extremely" I dish up the food and Casey and Dad walk in smiles on their faces

"So Daddy," I say handing Mom and Casey their plates "How've you been?"

"Good darling, and you?"

"Great! Happy that you both came over, we need to talk to you both"

Mom looks between me and Casey "Okay, so what's going on girls?"

Casey looks over to me and gestures for me to talk

I smile at her and continue

"Okay Mom, Dad Casey and I, we, uh, we're trying to start a family"

Daddy smiles "I'm so happy for you ladies"

We smile and I look to Mom who has a incomprehensible look on her face

"Wow" she utters "Girls, that's great!"

My eyes widen "Y-You're both okay with this?"

"Of course we are darling, grandchildren" Mom answers and smiles at us

Casey squeezes my hand "Thank you Karen" she answers and Mom stands and walks over to us, gesturing for us to stand and hugs me and then Casey

"Welcome to the family dear"

"Thank you Karen"

"Yes Casey, welcome to the family" Daddy smiles at me and I catch the look in his eyes, a look of complete contentment

I smile back at him and he winks, something he hasn't done in years. He's obviously detected my nervousness about tomorrow night

It'll all go to plan. It will.

She just has to say yes.


	16. Chapter 15: Happy New Year

Chapter 15: Happy New Year!

"You need to slow down on the wine Al" Casey warns me and I leave down my third glass of the hour

"Sorry" I apologise looking to my watch, 11pm. One hour.

Exactly one hour.

"Okay, what's going on Alex, you've been checking that watch all night, what's wrong?"

I shake my head "Nothing baby, just anxious for midnight"

"Excited for the new year?"

I smile as best I can and she scowls before I even answer "Okay, stop lying to me, tell me what's happening. What have you done?"

"Nothing! I haven't done anything!"

"Alex, why are you so on edge?"

"I-I... Casey, please stop asking questions and just go with this"

"Go with what-" she asks and I cut her off with a kiss

She runs her hands up my side as I slip my tongue further into her mouth

"Hmmmm Al" she mumbles against my lips and I kiss her again, this time stripping her blouse off

"Wait" she says pulling back slightly "A-Are you sure? Like.."

"I'm sure. Make love to me Case, please"

She nods and kisses me again and after several minutes of heated kisses she strips off my dress, slowly pushing it down my body

"You're so beautiful Alex, Jesus.." She runs her hand over my stomach "You're gorgeous"

I smile, blinking back my tears as I watch her look me over in awe. I see the flames of desire in her eyes and she caresses my thigh

"I love you"

"I love you too Casey, please, touch me"

She nods and pushes the lace panties down my legs and as she does I feel her hand tremble slightly

"Baby, it's okay. I want you. Breathe"

She moves her hand, cupping me gently

"A-Al, you're so wet"

"I told you, I want you Case"

She nods and gently massages me, groaning fierily as I buck against her hand

"Jesus, Casey"

"Y-You alright?" She asks and I feel the pressure rise steadily inside me

"Yes, I-I'm great. J-Just please, finish me"

She nods and keeps the pace going until I'm at a stage of insane arousal

"Oh Casey, Casey-"

"Finish baby, come for me. Please, let me make you feel good"

"You always do Case"

I slump against her, completely spent and she runs her hand through my hair

"God I love you" she whispers out and I smile

"Love you too"

xx

I smile as the countdown from 60 starts and I slip my hand into hers, causing her to turn and look at me

I smile and lean in to her, kissing her gently and then as I pull back I drop to one knee, meeting her surprised eyes

"Case,"

"Oh my God" she breathes out "Al"

"I love you. God, Casey I love you so much and well, I got to thinking lately and all I could think was how much I wanted to call you my wife, how I wanted to spend my life with you"

She's crying now, something I don't see too often and I pull grandma's ring from my jacket pocket

"I want to spend this new year and all the new years with you, Casey Rachel Novak, will you marry me?"

She nods and drops to her knees beside me, kissing me fully

"Yes! Yes Alexandra, of course I'll marry you!"

Happy New Year rings out from the television and she presses her lips to mine again and as we pull back she thread her fingers through my hair

"It makes so much sense! You were acting weird because you were nervous"

"Just a little" I smile and she wraps her arms around my waist holding me in close

"Alexandra Cabot, my fiancée"

xx

"Congratulations!" Olivia beams kissing my cheek and them Casey's and Amanda hugs us too, an equally as big smile on her face

"Oh my God! I'm planning the bachelorette party!" Abbie half screams

"Who's?" Olivia asks "Because I must insist I plan Casey's"

"Mine? Why?" Casey asks confused and Olivia smirks

"Because, I know what you like dearest and I plan on making it the best night of your life, so far"

"Yes! I get Alex's night"

I groan and look at an excited Abbie

"Abs, okay, how can I put this. I don't want strippers or raves or whatever crazy things you have planned. A normal night out is perfect for me"

"Yeah" she scoffs "that's happening" sarcasm drips from her tone and I scowl

"Abbie-"

"I'll keep it dignified-ish okay? But there will be strippers"

"That's not dignified!" I screech and Casey sniggers behind me causing Olivia to scoff

"Oh don't you laugh honey, yours will be worse"

"Worse than Abbie's?" I ask "I doubt that"

"Oh, you'll be surprised"

Casey groans behind me "Wow, we can't wait"

xx

AN: Sorry, I know this chapter is short. I wanted to split this chapter and the next one, this is actually the second last chapter but I have a new story planned so keep an eye out for it!


	17. Chapter 16: Happiness

Chapter 16: Happiness

Three months later everything's back to normal, I haven't had a nightmare in weeks and just over a month ago we tried to get pregnant.

I'm late.

I walk into the pharmacy wringing my hands, I haven't told Casey yet, no point getting her hopes up without proof.

I grab the test, quickly pay for it and rush home, the knots forming in my stomach as I unlock the door

I go to the bathroom and it's the longest 4 minutes of my life sitting and waiting for beep

It beeps and when it does I reach out, trembling and check the result

Pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

Oh my God!

I smile and grab my cell, bringing up her number and hitting call

Each beep feels like a life time and when she does answer I fight back the smile

"Case, I-I need you home"

"Alex? What's wrong sweetheart?"

"I-I need you to come home" I sound a lot more shaken than I actually am

"Okay, I'll be straight home Alex"

xx

"Alex!" She calls and I smile at her panicked tone

"In the bathroom" I call back and within seconds she's by my side

"What is it? Are you okay? What's wrong"

I hand her the test and after a minute she pulls me into her arms

"Oh Alexandra! My sweetheart! It's happened!"

"I'm having our baby!"

"We need to go to an ob/gyn and get you checked over, the doctor said that the pregnancy would be high risk if it happened, so.."

"I made us an appointment for the morning Case"

She sits on the side of the bath "Oh God, you're pregnant, we're having a family!"

"We are" I smile and she shakes her head in complete disbelief

"I just... It worked! First time! Doctor Richards said the chances of that were really slim! I can't believe it"

"Me either baby, I really can't but we can't get our hopes up too much, I still mightn't carry full term"

"Let's not worry now, we'll talk to the ob/gyn and I'm sure she'll be able to help us"

xx

"Yes ladies, you're right, Alex will have to be monitored extensively but for now, everything seems good. Alex, I want to have you in everyday starting from next Monday just to take progress that way if we see development we can catch it early, but ladies with the monitoring I'm sure this pregnancy can carry full term"

Casey slips her hand into mine and breathes a sigh of relief "So, this could actually work this time?"

"With constant monitoring of course it could" Doctor Arthurs nods and looks over my chart "You're a young woman, healthy, as I said all we have to do is keep you monitored"

"Thank you so much" I smile and she shakes my hand

"No problem Alex, make an appointment at the desk, whatever time suits you"

xx

We lay in bed that evening and I can't help but smile as she lazily draws patterns across my stomach

"Excited?" I ask and she looks up at me, my voice snapping her from whatever thoughts she was having

"Extremely excited, by the way, you realise you're no longer leaving the house"

I smirk "How's that going to work exactly?"

"I'll be with you the whole time you're out"

"You sound so controlling, you know that right?" I chuckle slightly and she scowls

"I'm trying to protect you"

I nod and take her hand "I get that but I'm not going to snap in half if I go grocery shopping"

"I want this to work"

"Me too Casey but you need to breathe. If anything feels wrong I'll go straight to the ER and anyway, with my check ups I'm sure the ob/gyn would notice anything changing"

"Yeah you're right. I'm sorry I'm being so weird about everything, I just want everything-"

"I do too. Don't worry I see where you're coming from so you don't seem to insane but Casey, believe me, I have a really good feeling about this. This could be our family"

"That's good enough for me" she kisses my lips and lays her hand across my stomach "I'm still going to be protective though, less protective but it'll still be there"

"You wouldn't be you if it wasn't"

**_ The End _**


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